So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
