the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
