lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
