does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
