i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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