I smell stomach acid.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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