Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
