my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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