im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
