ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
