I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
