i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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