just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
