We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
