Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
