Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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