she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
