I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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