Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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