Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
