Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
whose parrot is this?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
