Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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