You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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