she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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