the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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