you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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