the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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