I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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