i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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