Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
