The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
