At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
