That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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