You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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