I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
