My sheets look like a crime scene.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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