Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
