I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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