It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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