life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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