you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
