drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
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It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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