First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
