I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
