I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
