I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
