i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
