Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
