Me. At least after what I've been through.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
