i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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