remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
