phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
