Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
