i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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