Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
