The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
