Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
