i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
