Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
