yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
