the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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